… The book I’m reading is called “The Making of the Atomic Bomb”, by Richard Rhodes. The book isn’t really about the bomb itself, though, it’s more about the scientists and everyone else who worked on the bomb and its effect in history. The hopes and fears that drove people to work on such weapon, scientist’s realizations about the terrible power of their invention, the hopes of US government in avoiding invasion of Japan, horrors of people in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It marries two of my loves - history and science - so I’ve been really enjoying it. It’s also interesting to read about some of the theories and processes behind making of atomic bomb while the current event in North Korea mirrors some of what happened 60 years ago. I’m kinda sad that there’s only about 50 pages left, though.
Anyway, I’ve always been the type of person to find something to focus on and just go for it, ignoring everything else including my feelings in the process… I guess sort of like find something to be passionate about and just completely throw myself in and kinda lose myself in the process. I’ve always been intensely private and (mostly, though I have my wild moments) reserved, so I’ve never really felt in… “touch”… with my emotions. Think of it as being good at just not thinking about it and moving on forward… Though for all I know, maybe all the other guys are like this because this isn’t kind of talk you have with other guys.
Maybe that’s why I’m feeling a bit off my element at the moment - up until now, I’ve always had clear and focused goal always in front of me with clear deadlines. Graduation, Solar Car, Races, Projects, Tours, Exams. It figures that real life isn’t not so cut and dry, and I need to find my passion.
Though it happens fairly rarely, there are times when I find myself kinda floating along without any clear or definite focus. Whenever that happens, I get this mild anxiety that kinda gnaws at me until I do find something. Interestingly enough, though, my ideal idea of a vacation is being on an isolated island somewhere with absolutely no plans or deadlines and with someone who thinks and feels the same way as I do. However, if I was ever in a situation like that, I’m sure I’d make up something to focus on. Maybe climbing trees, or learning to play a guitar, or building a gigantic sand castle, or something equally mundane. I think that’s the real reason why I enjoy baking so much, it requires complete and total focus and concentration while you’re juggling everything in the air.
Perhaps you’d call this active suppression of my feelings or something, but to tell you the truth, I’ve never really thought about it nor have I really felt strongly about the way I feel about things…
So, I’ve never had that dark side - maybe it’s because I don’t dwell on things too much, maybe because I’m a guy, maybe because I forget things too easily, or maybe because I’m mostly happy (or at least content) with any little small things that I find in my everyday life. Maybe I’m blessed that way. But on the flip side, I’ve also had very few times of feeling intense emotions. Perhaps it’s better to be this way, or maybe I’m missing out on life, I don’t really know… Maybe it’s partly because I know that no matter what happens, I trust that God has a reason and purpose for it.
